Hesitant Marine

 I was greeted with a quote, "Steve, this is a week over which you will never get."  I had my doubts.  I gave Jake and Bobby both about 5-10 minutes on the phone at the prodding of my wife and father-in-law.  I was that arrogant Marine who didn't need any help from anyone.  I was closed off to any who tried to help and was very reserved and hesitant to show any sort of emotion as that was a sign of weakness.

As I spent the week in Malibu, I very quickly realized that there are men just like me and that there are also providers who TRULY do care.  Quick story, I was interviewed after one of my deployments and was asked by a psychiatrist with very bad coffee breath very close to my face, "how do upsetting problems make you feel?"  Well you can imagine my response! "UPSET, JACKASS!!"  Therefore I was deemed, homicidal.  That was my first interaction with "providers"  So coming into the Save A Warrior week, I had my doubts and reservations.

When i was greeted with a huge hug from Giants in the field, I was instantly put on a heightened sense of awareness.  Oh shit, we are gonna sit around and cry and throw pine cones in a fire while someone wants to hug me and call me homicidal!

I quickly learned that these men and women do care and want to provide love, support and help; not only during the intense week with them, but also afterwards and when I get home.  Rosemary Alden, Suzi Landolphi, and Dusty Baxley (primarily for me) provided a safe place where I was understood and didn't really have to say much.  I was amazed at how easily they recognized feelings and emotions and were able to provide guidance and insight based on their years and years of experience.

The straw that broke the camels back, for me, was at the Big Heart Ranch, when (in the picture to the right) John Vitale placed a damn chicken on my head.  The metaphor that Suzi pointed out has changed my life and changed how I interact with literally everyone around me.

The week following that life changing time in Malibu, I've received phone calls, text messages, emails, Facebook post, Facebook messages, and everything but a carrier pigeon from the providers, men who went through the week with me and those who went in previous cohorts.  I'm amazed and humbled.

This is work that MUST continue.  If you know anyone suffering from PTSD from any event (especially combat), put them in touch with me or with Jake Clark or Bobby Farmer.  Again, I was extremely hesitant and these men broke down those barriers almost effortlessly.

Steve Howell 005
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