Moving forward INTO unknown

 

As I continue down this path of healing, I am increasingly aware of the challenges that I impose on myself.  My pride seems to get in the way ALL THE TIME!  My desire to be ahead of everyone and everything, as well as my need to be in control are what seem to cause the most problems these days.  The good news is that as I begin to reach out to others, they are able to provide love and unconditional positive regard.  It is something that I very much need.  I live and function in an environment that is entirely based on judgment of performance.  I have met that challenge and exceeded their expectations, and yet I still seem to be striving for excellence.  Excellence at what?  Who gets to judge that?



I would argue that the people that helped me get here and the people that have stood beside me as I struggle with myself, get to make that judgment.   It is for them that I live now.  It is for the next warrior that I excel.  They have proven that they will not falter in their support.  I need them.

I find myself at a point in life where my ability to pay it forward is hindered by my job.  So, what now?  My healing path takes me right into the teeth of my drug.  It's a full frontal assault on my new self and my ability to ignore the old self.  So, knowing me and my arrogant prideful attitude, I say "challenge accepted".  I will succeed.  This time I have a slew of support and love in my corner.  So, if my own willpower fails, I will not!  Men surround me who will literally hold me up as I face these demons.  It is my right, it is my desire, it is my hope and it is my healing path that forces me to face this.  I will succeed because of these people who love me regardless of the outcome!  What a concept!  It's not the end state that matters!  They simply want to see me working on me!  And for them, I will face hells fire, and come out a better person.

If you know of anyone that struggles with their purpose in life, or PTSD, feel free to send them my way.  Comment below and I will get in touch with you.  I have been given a renewed sense of purpose and a new sense of belonging through Save A Warrior.  I pay it forward by facing my old self and rising to meet the challenges that brings.

Being "Here" Now...But...

Although we suggest 'being here now' and just doing today -- say Friday, for example -- many exciting things are happening in 2014 and wanted to share them with you, as they are developing on their own; these opportunities are finding SaW...and we are incredibly grateful for the support.

Come next summer, CNN will air the hourlong documentary; THE Wall Street Journal is seeking to embed a reporter in a Project Cohort for a national story; Malibu Magazine has pushed back a feature story on SaW so that ALL of the content could be included in the article; come spring, David Lynch Foundation plans to honor SaW -- along with Director Martin Scorcese -- for servant leader excellence; Thank You For Your Service, extensively featuring SaW and our service offering debuts at The Sundance Film Festival, and on and on.

Know, from all of us here on Team SaW, that we are profoundly grateful for our growing Facebook community, because you are (and were) our first opportunity to share with our stories with you...people we know, and people we are getting to know. 

Know, too, whether we run The Project at two locations, or one day at ten (or more) locations that you will ALWAYS be welcome to come visit (just give us a heads up so we have enough soft drink, water, etc ;-)) and see our work for yourselves; we always endeavor to maintain this level of transparency and invitation; because we are you...we are you...we're the same family and we all want the same thing for our Warriors: access to life over which they will never get. They deserve that. YOU deserve that, too...and when you take the opportunity to come spend a day, or so, with us...you'll SEE it for yourself. 

So no...it doesn't matter if we get written up in the WSJ or The Merchandiser (Mountjoy peeps know what I am saying), we will always maintain our unique and boutique approach to healing: serve that Warrior standing right in front of us to the very best of our ability.  ---Jake

What a life 

DONTATE

MOLON LABE

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on for the upward call of God in Chris" - Philippians 3:13-14.

"I am by nature warlike.  To attack is among my instincts" - Nietzsche.

"The urge to destruction, like the urge to creation, is a defiance of limits: we transcend ourselves by refusing to accept completely anything that is human, and then indomitably we begin fabricating again" - Richard Ellman.

"It is through meditative practices that you observe your own mind.  You can't be a good person until you observe how bad you are" - Karl Marlantes.

"I love this power.  I love it still.  And it scares the hell out of me" - Karl Marlantes.

I've been struck this week, as I attempt to usurp my old self, that that old self is necessary.  It is part of me.  But it does not define me.  We all have a shadow, that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead..."  Paul the apostle wrote from prison when his death was just days away.  He got it. 

I've also been amazed this week at the realm I've reached that Marlantes claims can only be reached through violence.  I am coming to grips with this part of me that revels in the violence and the destruction that is incredibly empowering!  Our society condemns this part of me and attempts to tell me I'm psychotic or "messed up".  All the while they celebrate it, through movies, TV shows, news and video games.  All these media outlets celebrate the brave and destructive nature that is part of me.  What a dichotomy?!  Then when I come home and the public is face to face with this part of war, they don't know what to do.  They can't simply turn the TV off or walk out of the movie or turn the video game off.  This is part of me and always will be.  I am violent, I am destructive.  And it has been taught to me since I was a child.  Think back to what children do with blocks or sand castles or Legos or anything that is "built".  They, we, want nothing more than to destroy it.  Everyone is thinking it, and when someone acts on it, they are shunned or shamed.

So what now?  Marlantes says that "once we recognize our shadow's existence we must resist the enticing step of going with its flow."  So I surround myself with warriors!  Men who have developed and understand this same destructive empowering feeling, are able to hold me accountable and help me along as I fight against my natural inclination.

As our Nation awakens to the fact that men like me are coming home from war, they must also realize there will always be a part of me that wants to go back and feel that incredibly empowering sensation that is at my fingertips!  Marlantes explains it well when he talks about arming a 40 man platoon.  Imagine, if you can, that these 40+ young, lean 18-20 yr olds are armed with grenades, machine guns and rockets.  Imagine also that they will, without question, do whatever you ask.  Now add the awesome power of a jet aircraft, that shakes the very ground with engines alone and can create craters big enough to block freeways!  Add artillery that fires shells as big around as your waist, then add Naval gunfire who can launch a Volkswagen over 500 miles.  This is the awesome power at my fingertips and because of this I AM IMMORTAL!

Try to get this thought captive.  I need you too.  If you can't, Marlantes says you are not in touch with that part of yourself and it is tragic for all of us.

So I stand, against the idea that I am a murderer, against the idea that I am psychotic.  I face the civilian populace with my brothers in arms and "forgetting what lies behind, I strain forward to what lies ahead."

STEP UP!  While society says your destructive tendencies and warlike mindset are not acceptable, there is a group of men who are standing and tearing down that incredibly demeaning and, by it's very nature, destructive pattern.  Stand with us.  Accept the outstretched hand.  Accept and live with the idea that you are a WARRIOR and that is wonderful to me.

Bobby Farmer relayed a saying to me that hit home really hard the other day: "God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the ones he called!"  Let that sink in.


Even in this healing process, my pride is getting in the way.  I accepted the call to be one of The Few!  I refuse to let "healing" emasculate me. It is something that history has taught us is very necessary for warriors.  My proud spirit wants to deny me that right.  Stand with me and accept what we have earned by sacrificing so much for the love of our Country.

Newtown Police Officer...Saved by Save A Warrior!

My Name is Thomas Bean. I have been an EMT, Volunteer Fire Fighter, Army Reserves and a Police officer. I have seen my share of trauma over the years and somehow got by. The breaking point for me was as a Newtown CT Police Officer. I had been a Police Officer since 2000. In December of 2012, I was on vacation having breakfast with some fellow officers when the Sandy Hook School Shooting happened. We responded and what I saw that day would scared me for life. The following days, weeks and months I could not sleep, eat, or go anywhere...where there was crowd. I was going to therapy and was medicated but that was not enough. I did not want to die but the thought of dying was there and it seemed inviting and easier than dealing with the pain and sorrow. I was afraid to tell people this because I did not want to get locked in a rubber room. Then Jake came along with the gift of the Save A Warrior Project. The project was amazing. It helped me want to live and gave me hope. One thing I learned after the project had ended is that it (the project) is not over because I am now part of a community that shares my pain and that makes it easier for me to carry on. This community is now my family and I will do what I can to help them and I will continue to lean on them, to help me. Together, we all can carry on and live, love, and regain faith in a world that can be harsh.

Tom Bean Cohort #003

Save a Warrior #saved Tom...what are you doing to Save a Warrior?  Donate TODAY!

Save A Warrior uses Equine therapy as part of their multi-approach methodology to help treat Warriors with PTS.

It's ok to have a bad day.

Adrenaline is quite possibly the most addictive drug on the planet.  We cannot duplicate it.  We can make a synthesis that is close, but we can't create what God has made.  I learned this lesson.

For years and many deployments, I've lived with a high level of adrenaline.  Even dating back to high school sports.  I lived for it and looked forward to the next rush.

It's been almost a year since my last rush and I crashed pretty hard the other day.  "Bad day".  I could not shake the feeling of fear and anxiety all day long.  I yelled at the kids over nothing, argued with my wife over insignificant things, I may have even kicked the dog.  But the anger would not go away. 

As I've written about in previous blogs, several of my fellow warriors reached out, not knowing it was a bad day, but just wanting to catch up and check on me.  That got me thinking and trying to figure out what the trigger was.  I narrowed it down to a lack of adrenaline.  Suzi Landolphi helped me realize that I'm going through withdrawals, quite literally.  My heightened state of awareness that has been my functioning state for so long, is in decline and missing that drug.

At the supper table the next day, I asked for forgiveness from my whole family.  The dog had long forgotten about the alleged kicking, but my children were scarred.  It was my turn to show them how to respond and what a Warrior does when he is wrong.  That is a tough pill for me to swallow still.  It's my old self telling me I'm not a good person, it's my old self trying to come back, it's simple pride in not wanting to admit wrong, it's arrogance, it's callousness...IT'S NOT WHO I WANT TO BE ANYMORE!

So, I apologized and explained in child like terms (both because they are children and because I'm a new born person), that Daddy had a bad day.  My 7 and a half year old looks up at me and says, "that's OK Daddy. Everyone has a bad day sometimes."  My heart nearly melted.  To hear such wisdom and unconditional love and forgiveness come from him just overwhelmed me.

I'm growing...I'm changing...and again, as I've said in other posts, This is a fight for control of my mind.  Every time I stand up to that old self (win or lose), it makes standing up the next time much easier.  Soon, I will stand up without even thinking about it and before too long, that old self will be a distant memory.

Steve H (005)

My Story - How Save A Warrior...Saved My Life!

I have a long story with many twists and turns.  A few years ago I was a police lieutenant with years as a specialized canine handler at a large department and a Master Sergeant in the Army National Guard.  On the surface everyone thought I had it together.  I had the perfect career, was doing great in the Army, and had what appeared to be the perfect marriage.  What they didn't know, was I was living a double life.  I put on a game face at work or in the Army, but inside I was dying.  Ever since I came home from Iraq I was struggling.  I kept thinking it would get better, but I was wrong. 

In the Army National Guard and at the police department, I would hide my panic attacks, my intrusive thoughts of Iraq, and all the symptoms of PTSD.  At home, I’d deny I had problems; however my marriage was falling apart.  The more I tried to cover things up the worse things got. I gave up.  I was sitting in my patrol car one night holding a gun in my mouth pulling the trigger.  I can’t say why I stopped, but I did.  Instead, I got out of the police car, took off my gun belt and badge.  I threw them on the front seat of the car, slammed the door and literally walked away.  I was going to walk to the end of the earth and never come back. 

A couple days later I woke up in the psych ward of the Veteran’s Hospital.  They pumped me up with drugs and after a few days they let my family take me away.  For the next year or so I was in and out of the V.A. and more drugs always seemed to be the only help I would get, but it was really no help. 

Almost homeless (hanging on to marriage by a thread), barely making it at a new job, and every day regretting NOT pulling the trigger I learned about SAVE A WARRIOR.  I talked to Jake who invited me to a SAVE A WARRIOR Cohort.  He told me it was a week long and asked that I just attend with an open mind. 

I attended and I can say that was the best week of my life!  Why?  It gave me my life back.  I went from hopelessness to hope, from feeling worthless to having meaning, from isolation to having a brotherhood of friends.  Since that week at SAVE A WARRIOR, I stopped hiding my double life.  I have embraced my struggles.  I now am talking with other veterans who are thanking me for being open so they too can come forward and ask for help.   Now, I have been given an opportunity to work with service dogs again.  This time to help veteran’s with PTSD service dogs. 

Since coming home from that week, my wife and I are now talking.  I've learned to be open with her and we are learning to heal together.

SAVE A WARRIOR didn't just give me a week of how to use coping skills, SAVE A WARRIOR gave me my life back!!!!   A good life it is. Now, I clearly know why I didn't pull that trigger.  I now have a chance to PAY IT FORWARD as was all that SAVE A WARRIOR asked for. Maybe through the service dogs or through just telling veteran’s they are not alone and it is okay to ask for help….I've been blessed with the chance at a new start and a purpose. 

SAVE A WARRIOR, you saved my life! 

Richard Mosley (Cohort 005) 

What would you do to "Save" A Warrior?  For a truly remarkable overview of our work, please see the John Hill / Liam Clark / DLF-produced video 

Thurs = test day

Today was a test!

I was confronted by someone...let's call him Dave.  Well, Dave was angry.  He decided that I looked rather vulnerable.  Not sure why.  He turned his fear and hurt, in the form of anger, on me.  He was not ready for my reply. 

I am learning that my anger is based out of hurt, alot of hurt.  As I face my fear and pain, I am also finding that I am able to assist others by defusing potentially explosive situations.  Nothing "Dave" said was directed at me, although it sounded like it.  It was entirely based on his fear.  When I didn't respond in a "typical" manner, it caught him off guard and he was able to calm down and tackle the problem at hand with me.

The old me would have exploded into that situation with the Hulk-ish intent of beating everyone involved down.  The old me would have hurt feelings and destroyed friendships with angry words and callous emotion.

There is hope for people like me.  I am 5 weeks into my journey.  Some days it seems like I've traveled miles and my dragons are beaten and slain on the side of the road.  Other days it seems like these same dragons are standing at the top of the mountain I am about to climb.  There are peaks and valleys.

The good news is that there are Warriors who have gone ahead of me who know this fear and pain.  They walk with me.  They surround me with their strength and encouragement.  They hold me up when I'm feeling defeated.  They expect the same from me.  I am strong because of them.

I am rebellion against my old self and my old way of living.  I am in a fight for my independence from that self; a war for the right to use my own mind, make my own decisions and control my own emotions!

Steve H (005)

What will YOU do to Save A Warrior?

Today is the beginning of a new dream!

It's been almost 4 weeks since I left Cohort 005 and as I read, meditate and talk through some of my demons, I'm amazed at several things:

1) The incredible team of providers that offer their time, love and services to this group of men who are at the end of their rope.

2) The awesome power of communication between like minded individuals. 

3) The transformation I can see in myself as I put into practice very simply yet profound concepts and ideas that this team of providers showed me and tools they gave me.

I will explain #2.  I have been on a roller coaster of emotion and self awareness lately.  I don't know how it is, but EVERY single time I at a low point and feel like I'm doing something wrong or failing at something, I receive a phone call or email or text just checking on me.  Nothing specific is ever asked of me.  And I in no way feel compelled to explain or show any emotion at all.  But the way in which this support network works allows me to feel comfortable sharing myself.  I am learning that is called love.  I am also learning that the one person responsible for keeping me from happiness in my life has been me. I have judged myself so harshly my entire life that I have not allowed anyone to get close to me because I did not want them to see the failure that I perceived I was.

Change is hard.  However, I am also finding out that "your happiness, your freedom, your entire way of living depend s on it.  The warriors goal is to transcend this world" not be part of it. 

4 weeks ago I started a journey.
4 weeks ago I walked away from my old self. 
4 weeks ago I was given a gift.

The continuing action is change and paying it forward.  I could have missed that.  I will forever be in debt to those who gave me these tools and ARE actively providing me guidance, mentorship and love.  Thank you.

Strength and Honor

Steve H (005)

Then Everything Changed...My Week with Warriors at Save A Warrior Cohort 005

My business partner Willis Daniels is a force of nature and one of the smartest and most enthusiastic people I have ever met, he may be wrong but he’s rarely in doubt.

When Willis came to me and said “We gotta do this Warrior Camp thingy," I was immediately on board. I thought if we could design something that actually helps that opportunity would be awesome.  The village was about camaraderie and being part of a unit.  Our designs were fleshed out and used in presentations given by Captain Jake Clark.  Following these initial efforts I would hear little snippets about how the rock ceremonies were so moving, or how the project was changing peoples’ lives.  I was never witness to the effects and power of the project.

Willis had thrown out the idea that I should go through the project.  I would understand what the needs of the warriors were and what they would be experiencing.  At first I was incredibly intimidated by this prospect.  How would I ever relate to a group of warriors?  The prospect lingered in my head as if my inner self was banging on me as if to say “this could really help more warriors and YOU!!!” My wife got involved and reminded me of how I could help and this was a chance to help others. So, I contacted Jake late one night about my attendance in the project.  He went over my reason for doing the program more explicitly than I could explain it myself.  He said

Original Rendering of Save A Warrior Camp

with a better understanding of what these guys are going through I could design something even more fantastic than the first go around and I would even learn how to meditate.

When the week approached, I found myself doing the usual self-destructive patterns I always do.   I tried to button up work (yeah right) I barely packed, and of course I left late just to make sure I missed something.  My mind was expressing itself this way because I was downright nervous.  I knew I had to open myself for the experience and there might be some emotions involved, I hate those things.

Then everything changed.

Eddie's Mandalas

The week was the most intense soul changing experience I could have ever imagined.  Everyday I faced another fear or weakness in myself and confronted it head-on.  Suzi Landolphi instantly recognized and gave me the tools to deal with my relationships.  Rosemary Alden showed me that the path to myself was right in front of me all along I just had to listen to myself and trust myself.  At the ropes course Philip and Michael got the big dig in, I finally dealt with the early passing of my father and finding the happiness of the memories of my childhood and being able to pass those happy times onto my children.  This part of the process still makes me tear up and realize how much I miss him and those happy days.  At the end of the climbing day, I was spent.  I thought I had reached my emotional fulfillment.  I had emptied that bucket of all the emotional hardship that had been clouding my soul and my judgment.  Then…I had a talk with Dusty.  We had a long talk on the way back to the camp.  I admired his enthusiasm for life and his force of joy.  There was skeptical parts of me inside still saying “No way can this guy be this excited and enthused about life its gotta be fake” but the exposed part of myself said “This guy is so awesome; I want to get what he’s got. I want to be that “AMAZING” guy.”  He told me 100 different ways about how happiness is a choice so why not chose to be happy.  I finally believed him after the first 99 times of disbelief. Really ??!!it can not be that easy NO WAY.  I made a deal with Dusty.  I would start out the next day and “Choose to be Happy.”

I started out the third day honoring my deal, (one that I have kept ever since) and headed out to Big Heart Ranch.  I took in lessons about inter-dependence and co-dependence from the animals.  I learned that you can’t bullshit horses.

I am deathly afraid of horses, but my fear did not seem to matter anymore.  I released all my trivial facades about myself and just let myself be myself.  Next thing I knew I was riding around on a giant horse.  Fellow cohorts already noticed that I had been transformed.  According to Magic Steve I was floating around with a smile plastered to my face.  That night on a rock climbing adventure on the side of the cliff Steve Howell noticed the kid in me trying to get out.  He said,  “Come on Let’s Go Find that Kid Inside.”  The climbing that night was the first time in the longest time that I just felt plain and simple joy.  The feeling was so clear and pure.

The most amazing part of my journey was connecting with the men in the cohort.  They welcomed me in from the beginning.  I was not an observer, but a participant.  They were going to share my path and I am sharing theirs.  Everything from the fabulous rat stories from John to the tender underside of men who are trying to keep their lives and marriages together made everyone in the cohort a brother.  I have never bonded with anyone this way before.  The strength of that bond will endure a long time. 

21 Days from the beginning of meditation.

I am evolving into who I am and who I want to be and the journey is “Amazing.”  I have decided to stop being a bystander in my own life.  I have taken up Taekwondo with my kids and I have been swimming with them as well.  I have reset boundaries on relationships so that I no longer get hurt. My wife and kids have embraced the new me, the one that comes from a place of understanding and strength and not fear and frustration.  I communicate with emotion in email and in person.  I am becoming a really cool guy to be around.  Everyday I wake up and I chose to be happy.  Thank you everyone for making the choice so easy to make.

- eddie

Eddie Osuch is helping design Save A Warrior Camp

Eddie Osuch is helping design Save A Warrior Camp

This week with Save A Warrior clearly had an incredible impact on Eddie...He is going to help 'Save A Warrior' by building a retreat for them.  What are you doing?  DONATE TODAY!

Friends Don't Let Friends Meditate Alone!

One of the first things I ever said to Jake Clark was I would help him anyway I can, that was August of 2002.  We bonded over our common past of being recovering pretty-boy jocks and having many of the same challenges. In our ten year friendship we had helped each other through life’s little tragedies (women, money), usually driven by our own bad decisions. I am still attempting to make progress in those areas, with limited results.

Jake was just out of a job in 2012 and was struggling, strange I thought because Jake is probably the most capable and certainly the highest trained and intense person I know.  Jake’s commitment to service throughout his life is second to none, US Army, Secret Service, LAPD, FBI, US Army National Guard (officer); these are not the commitments of a selfish person. I have faith that Jake can do anything.

The only advantage I had over Jake was that I was in recovery longer and that I meditated; I have been practicing Transcendental Meditation since 1994 and it has saved my life, without a doubt. 

I had suggested to Jake many times that he learn Transcendental Meditation, (about a year).  What I didn’t know at the time was that he was having suicidal ideations after his return to the world from active duty in Kosovo.  If I’d have known that he was seriously harboring these thoughts I would have kidnapped him (I know people) and dropped him off at the TM Center rolled in a carpet with a note to Denny Goodman (Director of the Beverly Hills TM Center) pinned to the outside. 

Jake finally acquiesced and got the TM training, it was after a couple of weeks of practicing the meditation that he admitted to his suicidal thoughts and the fact that they had lifted.  We discussed the tragedy of Veteran Suicides and how nobody really seemed to be doing anything about it.  Many organizations would be happy to give the vets an “Atta-boy”, a handshake and a pat on the back.  Worse yet was the impression from some major veterans relief organizations that war-related trauma and post-traumatic stress (PTS) could be relived with some swag and a photo-op.  The VA themselves, completely overwhelmed, could only offer some pills and some talk therapy, after you waited and waited for your case to be heard. This problem is REAL.

Jake’s admission of his own suicidal thoughts being lifted by meditation sparked the conversation which led to the formation of the Warrior Meditation Project, now Save a Warrior.  We wanted to bring this relief to other returning vets who were at risk.  My original concept was a daily routine of Meditation, Yoga and Nutrition that would help the returning veteran be in the day he is actually in, not in the regrets and sadness of the past or the fears of an unknown future. 

We knew that this might sound like some crazy hippie shit to some people, but I argued that maybe we had to look to where the hippies were RIGHT, scrape some of the patchouli off of this stuff and utilize it in a positive way to help these men who have done so much and sacrificed and damn near died for us.  For these young men with so much life ahead of them to die at their own hand after surviving combat seems unbelievably tragic.  We had to do SOMETHING.

Jake really took it upon himself to make the project a reality.  He had read thousands of books and had taken many hours of different types of training in rented hotel conference rooms that would lead to the “War Detox” part of the project. It is nothing short of miraculous what Jake has done in less than a year, (first Cohort #001, Nov. 2012) it seems that the Universe has conspired to put Jake in this unique position to help these men.

You too can Save A Warrior!

The turn-around in Jake’s life and in the 50 men through 5 cohorts is astounding, if I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it.  These are truly some of the finest people I have ever met; to think we could have lost some of these guys is unfathomable. The fellowship forming around these men and how their shared experiences, no matter how horrific, can benefit others going forward.  They have learned to rely on each other and offer support through the phones and email, this fellowship works because, like in other fellowships, they are rarely all crazy on the same day.  I will still help Captain Jake Clark anyway I can. 

- Willis Daniels

Willis Daniels -
WeDo Architecture