Any News Is Good News

                                                 

ANY NEWS IS GOOD NEWS

I have struggled in the past to have faith in people in general. Jake taught me that I don't have to have faith in all people but in my community and the people working for me. I took a leap of faith and did as he asked. Today I received a call from my attorney about my disability claims. The news was not "good" news. But I looked at as Good News because I left the attorneys to do there thing and worried about other things that I can control or have an impact on. The news was good to me because it showed me that the process is moving and all I had to do is have faith that people are fighting for me and I don't have to do it alone.

Made by my 10y/o son after the Sandy Hook Shooting

So today I am feeling super good and have hope. I have Jake, and all the Warriors and providers to thank for that. I have recently had the privilege of helping in Cohort 006 and soon Cohort 008. These experiences have and will further my healing by helping others.

Even though I do not know for sure what the future is for me, I know it will involve SAW and helping others. I have started to think about what training and/or schooling I want to do, to refine my ability to help. I have already started the ground work for a HIGH (Horse Inspired Growth and Healing) program here in CT. (Thanks Suzi)

So I decided to write this BLOG today, as a way of me having Faith in my community and sharing the lesson of faith that I have learned. Because even if I was told the worse news possible about what could happen, I  know now that I can't control or change certain things. That allows me to take any news, process it at face value, and make a decision on my direction based upon that. Being able to have a direction forward is important because the past is the past. We can not reuse the roads from the past if we want to heal. We must make new roads that have no scarring to have a better future. The past is to be remembered not relived.



Special Thanks to Chris Eder for creating this BLOG.

                                                       http://www.saveawarrior.org/donate/

Words

WORDS

A Poem

When I need you the most...you escape me

When I want you to stay away you roar with hate.

When I try to listen for context you're silent

When I want you to be silent...all you do is roar.

At night you wake me up

During the day you're asleep.

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Major Thrills with Possible Horrific Side-Effects

For 23-years I proudly 'suited up' for the US Air Force.  I spent the majority of my career as a Combat Correspondent.  At one point I had three different passports.  Two civilian, and one official.  I wish I would have kept better notes and taken more pictures so I could write a book of all the 'major' thrills I've had.  Sadly, one of my 'horrific' side-effects is a serious degradation of both short and long-term memory.  The sad part is...there is no rhyme or reason to how I remember or forget things.  Sometimes it is very painful on the inside.  I feel dumb...A LOT!

I did two tours to Iraq...2003 and then again during the Surge of Operations in 2007.  Additionally, I did a deployment to the Republic of Georgia, right before Russia invaded...and dozens of trips throughout Africa.  I really wish I had Karl Marlantes' book, "What It Is Like To Go To War," 23-years ago.  I could have really benefited from Karl's "psychological and spiritual combat prophylactic!"  Looking back I must agree with Mr. Marlantes' take on war..."indeed combat is like unsafe sex in that it's a major thrill with possible horrific side effects."

"I had no framework or guidance to help me put combat's terror, exhilaration, horror, guilt and pain into some larger framework that would have helped me find some meaning in them later." - Karl Marlantes 

On Saturday, the US State Department had issued a specific warning of a plan by Islamic extremists to attack a hotel in the capital, without giving specific details. - I sadly...didn't get this information...nor did the hundreds of warriors, civilian contractors and journalists staying at the Al Rasheed Hotel October 26, 2003.  This was my first of many attacks...that I was not prepared for.  No thrills for sure...only horrific side-effects.  As I stood at the window of my 10th story room...I could see the cowards (also known as the people responsible for killing a Soldier, injuring 15, and wounding countless others...including me) running away.  I drew my weapon...a 9mm issued to me in Germany, but then I realized that although I had a gun...I was not issued any ammunition!  I stood there, partly paralyzed from the aftermath of eight rockets slamming into the hotel...and felt completely helpless...of no value.  I could do nothing.  Unlike Karl Marlantes...I didn't even have the training nor tools to be a Warrior that day.  Like Mr. Marlantes...I clearly didn't have the framework or guidance to help me put combat's terror, exhilaration, horror, guilt and pain into some larger framework that would have helped me find some meaning in them later.

This is Dep Sec Def Paul Wolfowitz wearing MY flak vest.  So at this very moment...I not only had no ammo...but not flak vest.

"War, however, blows away the illusion of safety from death.  Some random projectile can kill you no matter how good a Soldier you are." - Karl Marlantes

Esquire Magazine did a story on AFN Iraq 2007

Within two minutes of arriving to my hooch in Baghdad in 2007, I was greeted with the all too familiar sound of a mortar attack. You've gotta be kidding me!  I had just gotten into the shower after about 50-hours of travel.  My protective gear was a good 20-feet away from me.  So...I just dropped and waited for the all clear.  This was the first of MANY attacks during the Surge of Operations.  It felt at times that we spent more time under attack than not.   Like most deployed warriors, I kept myself very busy.  I orchestrated several radio-thon shows on Freedom Radio, like The Memorial Day Countdown, and The Firecracker 500!  These 'major thrills' were balanced with me starting to teach yoga for the first time. I had my Ying and Yang in check...at the time I thought that would be enough.  Later, I would find that it was not enough.

"In a combat situation you wake up from sleep instantly aware that this could be the last time you awake, simultaneously grateful you're alive and scared shitless because you're still in the same situation." -Karl Marlantes

Things changed after my second tour to Iraq.  I mean...really changed.  It was late 2007 when I noticed my memory starting to go wonky.  At first, I just laughed it off, but then my laughter turned to sadness.  I actually thought I had Alzheimer's.  I was only sleeping about 4-5 hours a night.  I was slowly running out of what I called "collateral."  I had a pretty impressive reputation and I could sense people were on to me.  When I was "on" I was on...but when I was "off," it was embarrassing.  I really had no clue what was going on.  Anxiety led to depression.  Both of which I hid deep inside.  When I stepped outside, I put a smile on and pretended nothing was wrong.  My body slowly started to breakdown.  I think I spent a year trying to figure out what was going on.  Reaching at everything that could possibly be making me feel this way inside.  Everything except for PTS.

It wasn't until I attended special yoga training that focused on helping vets with PTS that I realized...that I had PTS.  To this day, there is a stigma in the military about seeking treatment for PTS.  I can tell you this is not the reason why I didn't think of PTS as a reason.  I really thought there was no way I could have it!  I mean...I'm a wartime journalist.  I've told the stories and seen the aftermath of the warriors who "easily" could have PTS...but not me!  Right?  WRONG!  You see...just like the yogic philosophy that I share when teaching, "Everybody's body...is different...which means...everybody's yoga will be different;" so too is the way everybody reacts to traumatic events.  Just because the person next to you thinks what just happened is only a major thrill, doesn't mean the event wasn't traumatic to you.  I had the added element of being medically hyper-aware during both deployments.  I was loaded on A.D.D. meds to make sure I didn't do anything stupid or forget anything important.  What a combo...hyper-vigilant and hyper-aware.  To this day I have vivid flashbacks in stereo sound.

I eventually started to take a new cocktail of drugs.  Add 5 mg here...lower 10 mg there.  I started 'exposure therapy.'  THAT SUCKED!  It seemed the only thing that did was make my nightmares worse.  The drugs numbed me to the point I was unaware of what I was doing, saying, did, or didn't do.  I have no idea how I was able to function at work.  After about a year and a half on the drugs, I had a heart to heart with my Psychiatrist.  I told him I was no longer happy with the list of side-effects all the drugs were doing to me.  He suggested since I was already thinking about retirement that maybe I should try Lithium!  I told him I was thinking more along going a more natural approach...B-12, Magnesium, and acupuncture.   The last words Dr. N. said to me were, "Well Sgt Eder...those are not traditional protocols, so I'm afraid I can't do that."  My response, "Well...you traditional protocol have almost cost me my wife, family, and the majority of my internal functions...function a whole lot less now!  Thanks...and goodbye!"

To add injury to insult, the doctors also found a tumor on my thalamus, and a growth on my skull.  My hearing in both ears at several frequencies was also diminishing.  (I now have hearing aids.)  I reached deep into my inner-resource and made the decision to stop the meds and go natural.  I timed it with my deviated septum operation and my trip to Save A Warrior.

What an amazing experience this was.  I met men who were going through the same shit as I was.  At first, it was a little too intense for me because even while I was going through my darkest of days, I was still able to be 'care provider' for others...not paying any attention to my needs.  Classic PTS avoidance technique.  So...when SaW Cohort 005 kicked off, I wanted to help the guys...instead of get the help and healing I needed.  It wasn't really until the high ropes course that I fully opened up and accepted that I needed healing.  Ever since my PTS symptoms kicked in I began to have an irrational fear of heights...so the high ropes course was the last place I wanted to be.  Right on cue...I pretended everything was fine and set off to climb the rock wall first.  Before most of the guys even blinked...I was already on and off the wall.  DONE!  Well...not so fast!  Phillip, one of the providers instantly clued in to my ways and quickly pointed out what had just happened.  How the hell did he know?

The next thing I knew I had another one of the providers, Suzi in my ear.  She started talking in what at first sounded like something from the Da Vinci Code, but soon turned into the answers to all of the riddles in my head.  I couldn't look at her.  I tried to walk away, but surprisingly, at 5 foot nothing, Suzi is pretty strong.  I eventually attacked this rock wall again.  This time flanked by Stephen H.  Metaphorically, that day...I slayed my demons.  This was a much different thrill...with much better side-effects: Love, Happiness, Strength, and the desire to better.

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MOLON LABE

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on for the upward call of God in Chris" - Philippians 3:13-14.

"I am by nature warlike.  To attack is among my instincts" - Nietzsche.

"The urge to destruction, like the urge to creation, is a defiance of limits: we transcend ourselves by refusing to accept completely anything that is human, and then indomitably we begin fabricating again" - Richard Ellman.

"It is through meditative practices that you observe your own mind.  You can't be a good person until you observe how bad you are" - Karl Marlantes.

"I love this power.  I love it still.  And it scares the hell out of me" - Karl Marlantes.

I've been struck this week, as I attempt to usurp my old self, that that old self is necessary.  It is part of me.  But it does not define me.  We all have a shadow, that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead..."  Paul the apostle wrote from prison when his death was just days away.  He got it. 

I've also been amazed this week at the realm I've reached that Marlantes claims can only be reached through violence.  I am coming to grips with this part of me that revels in the violence and the destruction that is incredibly empowering!  Our society condemns this part of me and attempts to tell me I'm psychotic or "messed up".  All the while they celebrate it, through movies, TV shows, news and video games.  All these media outlets celebrate the brave and destructive nature that is part of me.  What a dichotomy?!  Then when I come home and the public is face to face with this part of war, they don't know what to do.  They can't simply turn the TV off or walk out of the movie or turn the video game off.  This is part of me and always will be.  I am violent, I am destructive.  And it has been taught to me since I was a child.  Think back to what children do with blocks or sand castles or Legos or anything that is "built".  They, we, want nothing more than to destroy it.  Everyone is thinking it, and when someone acts on it, they are shunned or shamed.

So what now?  Marlantes says that "once we recognize our shadow's existence we must resist the enticing step of going with its flow."  So I surround myself with warriors!  Men who have developed and understand this same destructive empowering feeling, are able to hold me accountable and help me along as I fight against my natural inclination.

As our Nation awakens to the fact that men like me are coming home from war, they must also realize there will always be a part of me that wants to go back and feel that incredibly empowering sensation that is at my fingertips!  Marlantes explains it well when he talks about arming a 40 man platoon.  Imagine, if you can, that these 40+ young, lean 18-20 yr olds are armed with grenades, machine guns and rockets.  Imagine also that they will, without question, do whatever you ask.  Now add the awesome power of a jet aircraft, that shakes the very ground with engines alone and can create craters big enough to block freeways!  Add artillery that fires shells as big around as your waist, then add Naval gunfire who can launch a Volkswagen over 500 miles.  This is the awesome power at my fingertips and because of this I AM IMMORTAL!

Try to get this thought captive.  I need you too.  If you can't, Marlantes says you are not in touch with that part of yourself and it is tragic for all of us.

So I stand, against the idea that I am a murderer, against the idea that I am psychotic.  I face the civilian populace with my brothers in arms and "forgetting what lies behind, I strain forward to what lies ahead."

STEP UP!  While society says your destructive tendencies and warlike mindset are not acceptable, there is a group of men who are standing and tearing down that incredibly demeaning and, by it's very nature, destructive pattern.  Stand with us.  Accept the outstretched hand.  Accept and live with the idea that you are a WARRIOR and that is wonderful to me.

Bobby Farmer relayed a saying to me that hit home really hard the other day: "God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the ones he called!"  Let that sink in.


Even in this healing process, my pride is getting in the way.  I accepted the call to be one of The Few!  I refuse to let "healing" emasculate me. It is something that history has taught us is very necessary for warriors.  My proud spirit wants to deny me that right.  Stand with me and accept what we have earned by sacrificing so much for the love of our Country.

Newtown Police Officer...Saved by Save A Warrior!

My Name is Thomas Bean. I have been an EMT, Volunteer Fire Fighter, Army Reserves and a Police officer. I have seen my share of trauma over the years and somehow got by. The breaking point for me was as a Newtown CT Police Officer. I had been a Police Officer since 2000. In December of 2012, I was on vacation having breakfast with some fellow officers when the Sandy Hook School Shooting happened. We responded and what I saw that day would scared me for life. The following days, weeks and months I could not sleep, eat, or go anywhere...where there was crowd. I was going to therapy and was medicated but that was not enough. I did not want to die but the thought of dying was there and it seemed inviting and easier than dealing with the pain and sorrow. I was afraid to tell people this because I did not want to get locked in a rubber room. Then Jake came along with the gift of the Save A Warrior Project. The project was amazing. It helped me want to live and gave me hope. One thing I learned after the project had ended is that it (the project) is not over because I am now part of a community that shares my pain and that makes it easier for me to carry on. This community is now my family and I will do what I can to help them and I will continue to lean on them, to help me. Together, we all can carry on and live, love, and regain faith in a world that can be harsh.

Tom Bean Cohort #003

Save a Warrior #saved Tom...what are you doing to Save a Warrior?  Donate TODAY!

Save A Warrior uses Equine therapy as part of their multi-approach methodology to help treat Warriors with PTS.

It's ok to have a bad day.

Adrenaline is quite possibly the most addictive drug on the planet.  We cannot duplicate it.  We can make a synthesis that is close, but we can't create what God has made.  I learned this lesson.

For years and many deployments, I've lived with a high level of adrenaline.  Even dating back to high school sports.  I lived for it and looked forward to the next rush.

It's been almost a year since my last rush and I crashed pretty hard the other day.  "Bad day".  I could not shake the feeling of fear and anxiety all day long.  I yelled at the kids over nothing, argued with my wife over insignificant things, I may have even kicked the dog.  But the anger would not go away. 

As I've written about in previous blogs, several of my fellow warriors reached out, not knowing it was a bad day, but just wanting to catch up and check on me.  That got me thinking and trying to figure out what the trigger was.  I narrowed it down to a lack of adrenaline.  Suzi Landolphi helped me realize that I'm going through withdrawals, quite literally.  My heightened state of awareness that has been my functioning state for so long, is in decline and missing that drug.

At the supper table the next day, I asked for forgiveness from my whole family.  The dog had long forgotten about the alleged kicking, but my children were scarred.  It was my turn to show them how to respond and what a Warrior does when he is wrong.  That is a tough pill for me to swallow still.  It's my old self telling me I'm not a good person, it's my old self trying to come back, it's simple pride in not wanting to admit wrong, it's arrogance, it's callousness...IT'S NOT WHO I WANT TO BE ANYMORE!

So, I apologized and explained in child like terms (both because they are children and because I'm a new born person), that Daddy had a bad day.  My 7 and a half year old looks up at me and says, "that's OK Daddy. Everyone has a bad day sometimes."  My heart nearly melted.  To hear such wisdom and unconditional love and forgiveness come from him just overwhelmed me.

I'm growing...I'm changing...and again, as I've said in other posts, This is a fight for control of my mind.  Every time I stand up to that old self (win or lose), it makes standing up the next time much easier.  Soon, I will stand up without even thinking about it and before too long, that old self will be a distant memory.

Steve H (005)

My Story - How Save A Warrior...Saved My Life!

I have a long story with many twists and turns.  A few years ago I was a police lieutenant with years as a specialized canine handler at a large department and a Master Sergeant in the Army National Guard.  On the surface everyone thought I had it together.  I had the perfect career, was doing great in the Army, and had what appeared to be the perfect marriage.  What they didn't know, was I was living a double life.  I put on a game face at work or in the Army, but inside I was dying.  Ever since I came home from Iraq I was struggling.  I kept thinking it would get better, but I was wrong. 

In the Army National Guard and at the police department, I would hide my panic attacks, my intrusive thoughts of Iraq, and all the symptoms of PTSD.  At home, I’d deny I had problems; however my marriage was falling apart.  The more I tried to cover things up the worse things got. I gave up.  I was sitting in my patrol car one night holding a gun in my mouth pulling the trigger.  I can’t say why I stopped, but I did.  Instead, I got out of the police car, took off my gun belt and badge.  I threw them on the front seat of the car, slammed the door and literally walked away.  I was going to walk to the end of the earth and never come back. 

A couple days later I woke up in the psych ward of the Veteran’s Hospital.  They pumped me up with drugs and after a few days they let my family take me away.  For the next year or so I was in and out of the V.A. and more drugs always seemed to be the only help I would get, but it was really no help. 

Almost homeless (hanging on to marriage by a thread), barely making it at a new job, and every day regretting NOT pulling the trigger I learned about SAVE A WARRIOR.  I talked to Jake who invited me to a SAVE A WARRIOR Cohort.  He told me it was a week long and asked that I just attend with an open mind. 

I attended and I can say that was the best week of my life!  Why?  It gave me my life back.  I went from hopelessness to hope, from feeling worthless to having meaning, from isolation to having a brotherhood of friends.  Since that week at SAVE A WARRIOR, I stopped hiding my double life.  I have embraced my struggles.  I now am talking with other veterans who are thanking me for being open so they too can come forward and ask for help.   Now, I have been given an opportunity to work with service dogs again.  This time to help veteran’s with PTSD service dogs. 

Since coming home from that week, my wife and I are now talking.  I've learned to be open with her and we are learning to heal together.

SAVE A WARRIOR didn't just give me a week of how to use coping skills, SAVE A WARRIOR gave me my life back!!!!   A good life it is. Now, I clearly know why I didn't pull that trigger.  I now have a chance to PAY IT FORWARD as was all that SAVE A WARRIOR asked for. Maybe through the service dogs or through just telling veteran’s they are not alone and it is okay to ask for help….I've been blessed with the chance at a new start and a purpose. 

SAVE A WARRIOR, you saved my life! 

Richard Mosley (Cohort 005) 

What would you do to "Save" A Warrior?  For a truly remarkable overview of our work, please see the John Hill / Liam Clark / DLF-produced video