Being "Here" Now...But...

Although we suggest 'being here now' and just doing today -- say Friday, for example -- many exciting things are happening in 2014 and wanted to share them with you, as they are developing on their own; these opportunities are finding SaW...and we are incredibly grateful for the support.

Come next summer, CNN will air the hourlong documentary; THE Wall Street Journal is seeking to embed a reporter in a Project Cohort for a national story; Malibu Magazine has pushed back a feature story on SaW so that ALL of the content could be included in the article; come spring, David Lynch Foundation plans to honor SaW -- along with Director Martin Scorcese -- for servant leader excellence; Thank You For Your Service, extensively featuring SaW and our service offering debuts at The Sundance Film Festival, and on and on.

Know, from all of us here on Team SaW, that we are profoundly grateful for our growing Facebook community, because you are (and were) our first opportunity to share with our stories with you...people we know, and people we are getting to know. 

Know, too, whether we run The Project at two locations, or one day at ten (or more) locations that you will ALWAYS be welcome to come visit (just give us a heads up so we have enough soft drink, water, etc ;-)) and see our work for yourselves; we always endeavor to maintain this level of transparency and invitation; because we are you...we are you...we're the same family and we all want the same thing for our Warriors: access to life over which they will never get. They deserve that. YOU deserve that, too...and when you take the opportunity to come spend a day, or so, with us...you'll SEE it for yourself. 

So no...it doesn't matter if we get written up in the WSJ or The Merchandiser (Mountjoy peeps know what I am saying), we will always maintain our unique and boutique approach to healing: serve that Warrior standing right in front of us to the very best of our ability.  ---Jake

What a life 

DONTATE

During Thanksgiving...there is SO much for which SaW is grateful

Thanksgiving, I believe, calls for so much more than a blanket 'Happy Thanksgiving everyone!', or 'Happy Bird Day!', etc.  Thanksgiving is THE time of year for fully expressing one's gratitude (I believe ;-)), and because Save a Warrior (SaW) went operational just before last Thanksgiving (2012), I thought I'd take this opportunity to really and truly express my / our gratitude.  Here goes:

I am so grateful for every Warrior that has walked through our doors, who have placed their lives, their hearts and their well-being in our trusted care and, in doing so, teaching us at SaW the meaning of service, commitment and love. Without them, we'd be nothing..we'd still be in search of our missions and purpose in life.

I am especially grateful to the 'Shepherds' and Project Directors who go WAAAAY above and beyond -- for fun and for free(ish): Ryan Mangus, Bobby Farmer, Steve Gordon, Stephen Howell, Jr. and Tom Bean. Thank you for believing that all this was possible; that we really could go another way other than suicide; that it didn't have to end like that for our fellow Warriors.

I am so thankful for all our incredible Providers: Suzi Landolphi, Philip Folsom, Dusty Baxley, Denny Goodman, Dr. Michael Salonious, Ken Falke, Holly Cook, Lee McCormick, Cheyenne Price, Jill Starr, Jenna and Mary Murphy, Jeff Weston, Jim Cowgill, Christian Stone and Tawny Biggs.

A very special thank you to Jill Starr and Ken Falke...the ultimate 'force mulitipliers'.  No you, no me...you know what I'm saying ;-)

I am so grateful for our wonderful board of directors: John Bohlinger, Josh Goldberg, Tim Agajanian, Joe Lovelace and Ken Falke (Q2, 2014). That you would 'allow' me to have this life, to enjoy the degree of autonomy to drive this 'Ferrari' -- and not break it -- the way that you have, gives me access to a life over which I will never get. Thank you, also, for your leadership, mentorship and belief in the vision.

Thank you, also, to our incredible supporters in and around Malibu, CA., and Boulder Crest Retreat in Bluemont, VA: Bill and Judith at The Malibu Kitchen, Aaron Brill at Chipotle, D'Amore's Pizza, CeCe at Grom's, Ashley at Nikita's, Glen Gerson at Calamigos Ranch and Paradise Cove, John Bard from Camp Hess Kramer, Wilshire Boulevard Temple, Subway, Cirque Du Soleil, Arlington National Cemetery, Loudon County Equestrian Center, BIG Heart Ranch, Fulcrum Adventures, Erin Rusler of Logorama, Avon Rent-a-Car, USO LAX, Duke's of Malibu, Norrell Walker, Kristine Petersen, Martin Juarez, Patricia Garcia of McKesson (SoCal DC), and many, many others who escape my short-term memory.

To our generous  financial sponsors of this year's SaW Project Cohorts: Rolex, McKesson Military Resource Group (WEST), Caroline Sharpe, Duncan Neiderauer, Bert Ellis, Rehanna Farrell, Ken Falke, Kevin Lynch and Ed Wilson -- thank you so much for what you gave. You could've have chosen to support anyone, or any organization, and you were moved to support SaW. You changed and saved the lives of our Warriors...82 at latest count!!!...and we -- and their families, loved ones and units -- are so grateful for what you have done. Thank you!

May all of you have a wonderful day of giving thanks, knowing that you have touched the lives of so many who are so deserving. We PROMISE to continue paying it forward!

Happy Thanksgiving!

-- jake

My Journey - Cohort 007

Save A Warrior- Cohort 007

October 20 – 25, 2013 – Malibu California

My journey of going to Malibu for witnessing and being present at the Save a Warrior, Cohort 007 started in September 2013 in South Dakota on the Pine Ridge Reservation. I flew from my home country, The Netherlands, to South Dakota to be a volunteer at a gentle round up of rescued Wild Mustangs. There I had the privilege to meet Lance Wilson. Lance is a veteran who is healing from his PTS and who participated in the first cohort of Save a Warrior. Lance told me his story and the extraordinary things that are happening to him ever since he participated in the program Save a Warrior (SaW) offers to veterans. Lance touched my heart profoundly with his great sense of humor, his new acclaimed ‘joie du vivre’ and his open mindset and true friendship. We worked together side by side for a week and I feel so honored to have gotten to know Lance or as I call him, Mr. Bama!  Lance also spiked a genuine interest for me to understand and learn more about this program and how it is so much different than all the other programs offered to veterans. It is truly different in the whole approach, content and care and so enormously effective. Lance kept on talking about Jake and how Jake has saved his life. I intuitively understood Lance truly meant what he said and I just felt this strong urge to contact Jake myself to learn more about Save a Warrior. And so I did…..and a month and a half later I arrived in Malibu with my 7 year old daughter, Zoë to be present at Cohort 007.

Tear off the mask, your face is Glorious.    ~Rumi

I was cordially invited by Jake to be at the first night’s dinner of Cohort 007. Ten guys were in the Cohort and it was indeed 10 individual guys I got to meet that evening. Not a group, certainly not a team, let alone a brotherhood. Being Dutch, I am used to introducing myself in a new group so I just went round the table to do just that, but got little response. Each of the guys were seriously not in the mood nor mindset to shake my hand. Their eyes downcast, all a bit tense and really more in keeping to themselves, hardly connecting. I understood instantly that these guys were suffering, they had just started this Cohort earlier the afternoon and were in the midst of taking everything in, trying to keep themselves together and just be. I realized then and there that Jake and his staff had some serious work to do and that the un-breaking of hearts is probably one of the toughest jobs in the world.

Tuesday I joined the Cohort as they set out to climb Point Dume near Zuma Beach. I was amazed by the difference in energy in the group. As the 10 Warriors arrived at the beach I saw them hanging out together, talking, smiling, and supporting each other. From being a separate individual on that first night I witnessed a group of guys connecting with each other. It actually gave me goose bumps, because something profound had changed just in over one day. I was the person taking the photos of each Warrior climbing the rock at Point Dume.  I had the privilege to observe them up close and personal and it was a beautiful thing to do as I saw a spark ignite in each one of them. Still struggling…yes!  Still sometimes a bit reserved…yes!  But at the same time I saw this look of wonder and each one of them carefully began opening up. I believe their new meditation practice was key in this whole shift of energy and outlook on life.

"If your eyes are opened,you'll see the things worth seeing." ~Rumi

The next day the Cohort set out to Big Heart Ranch and the great Suzi Landolphi. A day filled with the Cohort connecting with animals (chicken, alpaca’s, little ponies and the giant horse Goliath). And there I saw something different again. From a group I witnessed and actually felt a new awareness and a new energy in the group…. a brotherhood in the making. Eyes clear, open and a lot of support towards each other. It moved me deeply to see this.

Un-breaking of hearts can be done, and much more than ‘just’  un-breaking them, but healing them and opening eyes to see the things worth seeing. The fun, love, support and cooperation between these 10 great Warriors as we all participated in a fun group exercise was just tangible.

My last day with the group was the day we went up to Camp Hess Kramer on top of a canyon overlooking the Pacific Ocean for the high ropes course. That day has changed me for the rest of my life for sure.  I had the honor to see the Warriors walk on ropes high up in the air in pairs, walk across a wooden pole as if they were walking on the ground and the grand finale with the Leap of Faith. They were coached in such a loving way, explaining to them about anxiety and exhilaration how to move from one to the other.  What to do when the adrenaline kicked in, how to take it slow, not rush.  How to literally stand still and feel, not rushing but pausing and so much more. But mostly the mantra all day was: “We have got you, you are safe, you are safe”.

And there emerged this strong band of brothers, speaking to each other words of encouragement, of love of support of friendship. The words came down as whispering rain helping each Warrior to arise from his roots again and feel the exhilaration of literally transitioning and becoming again who they really are.

I have seen the difference, I have felt the difference and I know Save a Warrior makes that difference. Because each one of these Warriors have been given the tools to own their lives again, to start walking the path of healing and to have this brotherhood, a bond for life to ask for support whenever they need it. I honestly feel humbled and honored to have been allowed to be part of this group for a few days, for Jake Clark putting this out in the world and literally saving lives. What an extraordinary group of men I had the privilege to meet. They are all in my heart forever, because they so graciously allowed me to be there and be witness of their healing process. Beautiful strong men, who in softness, honesty and openness found a new way to own their lives and allow themselves to be happy again.

“As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears.” ~ Rumi

Thank you Clara te Velthuis-Vrielink for sharing your experience and for being a valuable member of our community.

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Any News Is Good News

                                                 

ANY NEWS IS GOOD NEWS

I have struggled in the past to have faith in people in general. Jake taught me that I don't have to have faith in all people but in my community and the people working for me. I took a leap of faith and did as he asked. Today I received a call from my attorney about my disability claims. The news was not "good" news. But I looked at as Good News because I left the attorneys to do there thing and worried about other things that I can control or have an impact on. The news was good to me because it showed me that the process is moving and all I had to do is have faith that people are fighting for me and I don't have to do it alone.

Made by my 10y/o son after the Sandy Hook Shooting

So today I am feeling super good and have hope. I have Jake, and all the Warriors and providers to thank for that. I have recently had the privilege of helping in Cohort 006 and soon Cohort 008. These experiences have and will further my healing by helping others.

Even though I do not know for sure what the future is for me, I know it will involve SAW and helping others. I have started to think about what training and/or schooling I want to do, to refine my ability to help. I have already started the ground work for a HIGH (Horse Inspired Growth and Healing) program here in CT. (Thanks Suzi)

So I decided to write this BLOG today, as a way of me having Faith in my community and sharing the lesson of faith that I have learned. Because even if I was told the worse news possible about what could happen, I  know now that I can't control or change certain things. That allows me to take any news, process it at face value, and make a decision on my direction based upon that. Being able to have a direction forward is important because the past is the past. We can not reuse the roads from the past if we want to heal. We must make new roads that have no scarring to have a better future. The past is to be remembered not relived.



Special Thanks to Chris Eder for creating this BLOG.

                                                       http://www.saveawarrior.org/donate/

Words

WORDS

A Poem

When I need you the most...you escape me

When I want you to stay away you roar with hate.

When I try to listen for context you're silent

When I want you to be silent...all you do is roar.

At night you wake me up

During the day you're asleep.

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Major Thrills with Possible Horrific Side-Effects

For 23-years I proudly 'suited up' for the US Air Force.  I spent the majority of my career as a Combat Correspondent.  At one point I had three different passports.  Two civilian, and one official.  I wish I would have kept better notes and taken more pictures so I could write a book of all the 'major' thrills I've had.  Sadly, one of my 'horrific' side-effects is a serious degradation of both short and long-term memory.  The sad part is...there is no rhyme or reason to how I remember or forget things.  Sometimes it is very painful on the inside.  I feel dumb...A LOT!

I did two tours to Iraq...2003 and then again during the Surge of Operations in 2007.  Additionally, I did a deployment to the Republic of Georgia, right before Russia invaded...and dozens of trips throughout Africa.  I really wish I had Karl Marlantes' book, "What It Is Like To Go To War," 23-years ago.  I could have really benefited from Karl's "psychological and spiritual combat prophylactic!"  Looking back I must agree with Mr. Marlantes' take on war..."indeed combat is like unsafe sex in that it's a major thrill with possible horrific side effects."

"I had no framework or guidance to help me put combat's terror, exhilaration, horror, guilt and pain into some larger framework that would have helped me find some meaning in them later." - Karl Marlantes 

On Saturday, the US State Department had issued a specific warning of a plan by Islamic extremists to attack a hotel in the capital, without giving specific details. - I sadly...didn't get this information...nor did the hundreds of warriors, civilian contractors and journalists staying at the Al Rasheed Hotel October 26, 2003.  This was my first of many attacks...that I was not prepared for.  No thrills for sure...only horrific side-effects.  As I stood at the window of my 10th story room...I could see the cowards (also known as the people responsible for killing a Soldier, injuring 15, and wounding countless others...including me) running away.  I drew my weapon...a 9mm issued to me in Germany, but then I realized that although I had a gun...I was not issued any ammunition!  I stood there, partly paralyzed from the aftermath of eight rockets slamming into the hotel...and felt completely helpless...of no value.  I could do nothing.  Unlike Karl Marlantes...I didn't even have the training nor tools to be a Warrior that day.  Like Mr. Marlantes...I clearly didn't have the framework or guidance to help me put combat's terror, exhilaration, horror, guilt and pain into some larger framework that would have helped me find some meaning in them later.

This is Dep Sec Def Paul Wolfowitz wearing MY flak vest.  So at this very moment...I not only had no ammo...but not flak vest.

"War, however, blows away the illusion of safety from death.  Some random projectile can kill you no matter how good a Soldier you are." - Karl Marlantes

Esquire Magazine did a story on AFN Iraq 2007

Within two minutes of arriving to my hooch in Baghdad in 2007, I was greeted with the all too familiar sound of a mortar attack. You've gotta be kidding me!  I had just gotten into the shower after about 50-hours of travel.  My protective gear was a good 20-feet away from me.  So...I just dropped and waited for the all clear.  This was the first of MANY attacks during the Surge of Operations.  It felt at times that we spent more time under attack than not.   Like most deployed warriors, I kept myself very busy.  I orchestrated several radio-thon shows on Freedom Radio, like The Memorial Day Countdown, and The Firecracker 500!  These 'major thrills' were balanced with me starting to teach yoga for the first time. I had my Ying and Yang in check...at the time I thought that would be enough.  Later, I would find that it was not enough.

"In a combat situation you wake up from sleep instantly aware that this could be the last time you awake, simultaneously grateful you're alive and scared shitless because you're still in the same situation." -Karl Marlantes

Things changed after my second tour to Iraq.  I mean...really changed.  It was late 2007 when I noticed my memory starting to go wonky.  At first, I just laughed it off, but then my laughter turned to sadness.  I actually thought I had Alzheimer's.  I was only sleeping about 4-5 hours a night.  I was slowly running out of what I called "collateral."  I had a pretty impressive reputation and I could sense people were on to me.  When I was "on" I was on...but when I was "off," it was embarrassing.  I really had no clue what was going on.  Anxiety led to depression.  Both of which I hid deep inside.  When I stepped outside, I put a smile on and pretended nothing was wrong.  My body slowly started to breakdown.  I think I spent a year trying to figure out what was going on.  Reaching at everything that could possibly be making me feel this way inside.  Everything except for PTS.

It wasn't until I attended special yoga training that focused on helping vets with PTS that I realized...that I had PTS.  To this day, there is a stigma in the military about seeking treatment for PTS.  I can tell you this is not the reason why I didn't think of PTS as a reason.  I really thought there was no way I could have it!  I mean...I'm a wartime journalist.  I've told the stories and seen the aftermath of the warriors who "easily" could have PTS...but not me!  Right?  WRONG!  You see...just like the yogic philosophy that I share when teaching, "Everybody's body...is different...which means...everybody's yoga will be different;" so too is the way everybody reacts to traumatic events.  Just because the person next to you thinks what just happened is only a major thrill, doesn't mean the event wasn't traumatic to you.  I had the added element of being medically hyper-aware during both deployments.  I was loaded on A.D.D. meds to make sure I didn't do anything stupid or forget anything important.  What a combo...hyper-vigilant and hyper-aware.  To this day I have vivid flashbacks in stereo sound.

I eventually started to take a new cocktail of drugs.  Add 5 mg here...lower 10 mg there.  I started 'exposure therapy.'  THAT SUCKED!  It seemed the only thing that did was make my nightmares worse.  The drugs numbed me to the point I was unaware of what I was doing, saying, did, or didn't do.  I have no idea how I was able to function at work.  After about a year and a half on the drugs, I had a heart to heart with my Psychiatrist.  I told him I was no longer happy with the list of side-effects all the drugs were doing to me.  He suggested since I was already thinking about retirement that maybe I should try Lithium!  I told him I was thinking more along going a more natural approach...B-12, Magnesium, and acupuncture.   The last words Dr. N. said to me were, "Well Sgt Eder...those are not traditional protocols, so I'm afraid I can't do that."  My response, "Well...you traditional protocol have almost cost me my wife, family, and the majority of my internal functions...function a whole lot less now!  Thanks...and goodbye!"

To add injury to insult, the doctors also found a tumor on my thalamus, and a growth on my skull.  My hearing in both ears at several frequencies was also diminishing.  (I now have hearing aids.)  I reached deep into my inner-resource and made the decision to stop the meds and go natural.  I timed it with my deviated septum operation and my trip to Save A Warrior.

What an amazing experience this was.  I met men who were going through the same shit as I was.  At first, it was a little too intense for me because even while I was going through my darkest of days, I was still able to be 'care provider' for others...not paying any attention to my needs.  Classic PTS avoidance technique.  So...when SaW Cohort 005 kicked off, I wanted to help the guys...instead of get the help and healing I needed.  It wasn't really until the high ropes course that I fully opened up and accepted that I needed healing.  Ever since my PTS symptoms kicked in I began to have an irrational fear of heights...so the high ropes course was the last place I wanted to be.  Right on cue...I pretended everything was fine and set off to climb the rock wall first.  Before most of the guys even blinked...I was already on and off the wall.  DONE!  Well...not so fast!  Phillip, one of the providers instantly clued in to my ways and quickly pointed out what had just happened.  How the hell did he know?

The next thing I knew I had another one of the providers, Suzi in my ear.  She started talking in what at first sounded like something from the Da Vinci Code, but soon turned into the answers to all of the riddles in my head.  I couldn't look at her.  I tried to walk away, but surprisingly, at 5 foot nothing, Suzi is pretty strong.  I eventually attacked this rock wall again.  This time flanked by Stephen H.  Metaphorically, that day...I slayed my demons.  This was a much different thrill...with much better side-effects: Love, Happiness, Strength, and the desire to better.

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MOLON LABE

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on for the upward call of God in Chris" - Philippians 3:13-14.

"I am by nature warlike.  To attack is among my instincts" - Nietzsche.

"The urge to destruction, like the urge to creation, is a defiance of limits: we transcend ourselves by refusing to accept completely anything that is human, and then indomitably we begin fabricating again" - Richard Ellman.

"It is through meditative practices that you observe your own mind.  You can't be a good person until you observe how bad you are" - Karl Marlantes.

"I love this power.  I love it still.  And it scares the hell out of me" - Karl Marlantes.

I've been struck this week, as I attempt to usurp my old self, that that old self is necessary.  It is part of me.  But it does not define me.  We all have a shadow, that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead..."  Paul the apostle wrote from prison when his death was just days away.  He got it. 

I've also been amazed this week at the realm I've reached that Marlantes claims can only be reached through violence.  I am coming to grips with this part of me that revels in the violence and the destruction that is incredibly empowering!  Our society condemns this part of me and attempts to tell me I'm psychotic or "messed up".  All the while they celebrate it, through movies, TV shows, news and video games.  All these media outlets celebrate the brave and destructive nature that is part of me.  What a dichotomy?!  Then when I come home and the public is face to face with this part of war, they don't know what to do.  They can't simply turn the TV off or walk out of the movie or turn the video game off.  This is part of me and always will be.  I am violent, I am destructive.  And it has been taught to me since I was a child.  Think back to what children do with blocks or sand castles or Legos or anything that is "built".  They, we, want nothing more than to destroy it.  Everyone is thinking it, and when someone acts on it, they are shunned or shamed.

So what now?  Marlantes says that "once we recognize our shadow's existence we must resist the enticing step of going with its flow."  So I surround myself with warriors!  Men who have developed and understand this same destructive empowering feeling, are able to hold me accountable and help me along as I fight against my natural inclination.

As our Nation awakens to the fact that men like me are coming home from war, they must also realize there will always be a part of me that wants to go back and feel that incredibly empowering sensation that is at my fingertips!  Marlantes explains it well when he talks about arming a 40 man platoon.  Imagine, if you can, that these 40+ young, lean 18-20 yr olds are armed with grenades, machine guns and rockets.  Imagine also that they will, without question, do whatever you ask.  Now add the awesome power of a jet aircraft, that shakes the very ground with engines alone and can create craters big enough to block freeways!  Add artillery that fires shells as big around as your waist, then add Naval gunfire who can launch a Volkswagen over 500 miles.  This is the awesome power at my fingertips and because of this I AM IMMORTAL!

Try to get this thought captive.  I need you too.  If you can't, Marlantes says you are not in touch with that part of yourself and it is tragic for all of us.

So I stand, against the idea that I am a murderer, against the idea that I am psychotic.  I face the civilian populace with my brothers in arms and "forgetting what lies behind, I strain forward to what lies ahead."

STEP UP!  While society says your destructive tendencies and warlike mindset are not acceptable, there is a group of men who are standing and tearing down that incredibly demeaning and, by it's very nature, destructive pattern.  Stand with us.  Accept the outstretched hand.  Accept and live with the idea that you are a WARRIOR and that is wonderful to me.

Bobby Farmer relayed a saying to me that hit home really hard the other day: "God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the ones he called!"  Let that sink in.


Even in this healing process, my pride is getting in the way.  I accepted the call to be one of The Few!  I refuse to let "healing" emasculate me. It is something that history has taught us is very necessary for warriors.  My proud spirit wants to deny me that right.  Stand with me and accept what we have earned by sacrificing so much for the love of our Country.