For 23-years I proudly 'suited up' for the
US Air Force. I spent the majority of my career as a
Combat Correspondent. At one point I had three different passports. Two civilian, and one official. I wish I would have kept better notes and taken more pictures so I could write a book of all the 'major' thrills I've had. Sadly, one of my 'horrific' side-effects is a serious degradation of both short and long-term memory. The sad part is...there is no rhyme or reason to how I remember or forget things. Sometimes it is very painful on the inside. I feel dumb...A LOT!
I did two tours to Iraq...2003 and then again during the
Surge of Operations in 2007. Additionally, I did a deployment to the
Republic of Georgia, right before Russia invaded...and dozens of trips throughout Africa. I really wish I had
Karl Marlantes' book, "
What It Is Like To Go To War," 23-years ago. I could have really benefited from Karl's "psychological and spiritual combat prophylactic!" Looking back I must agree with Mr. Marlantes' take on war..."indeed combat is like
unsafe sex in that it's a major thrill with possible horrific side effects."
"I had no framework or guidance to help me put combat's terror, exhilaration, horror, guilt and pain into some larger framework that would have helped me find some meaning in them later." - Karl Marlantes
On Saturday, the US State Department had issued a specific warning of a plan by Islamic extremists to attack a hotel in the capital, without giving specific details. - I sadly...didn't get this information...nor did the hundreds of warriors, civilian contractors and journalists staying at the
Al Rasheed Hotel October 26, 2003. This was my first of many attacks...that I was not prepared for. No thrills for sure...only horrific side-effects. As I stood at the window of my 10th story room...I could see the cowards (also known as the people responsible for killing a Soldier, injuring 15, and wounding countless others...including me) running away. I drew my weapon...a 9mm issued to me in Germany, but then I realized that although I had a gun...I was not issued any ammunition! I stood there, partly paralyzed from the aftermath of eight rockets slamming into the hotel...and felt completely helpless...of no value. I could do nothing. Unlike Karl Marlantes...I didn't even have the training nor tools to be a Warrior that day. Like Mr. Marlantes...I clearly didn't have the
framework or guidance to help me put combat's terror, exhilaration, horror, guilt and pain into some larger framework that would have helped me find some meaning in them later.
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| This is Dep Sec Def Paul Wolfowitz wearing MY flak vest. So at this very moment...I not only had no ammo...but not flak vest. |
"War, however, blows away the illusion of safety from death. Some random projectile can kill you no matter how good a Soldier you are." - Karl Marlantes
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| Esquire Magazine did a story on AFN Iraq 2007 |
Within two minutes of arriving to my
hooch in Baghdad in 2007, I was greeted with the all too familiar sound of a mortar attack.
You've gotta be kidding me! I had just gotten into the shower after about 50-hours of travel. My protective gear was a good 20-feet away from me. So...I just dropped and waited for the all clear. This was the first of MANY attacks during the Surge of Operations.
It felt at times that we spent more time under attack than not. Like most deployed warriors, I kept myself very busy. I orchestrated several radio-thon shows on Freedom Radio, like
The Memorial Day Countdown, and
The Firecracker 500! These 'major thrills' were balanced with me starting to
teach yoga for the first time. I had my Ying and Yang in check...at the time I thought that would be enough. Later, I would find that it was not enough.
"In a combat situation you wake up from sleep instantly aware that this could be the last time you awake, simultaneously grateful you're alive and scared shitless because you're still in the same situation." -Karl Marlantes
Things changed after my second tour to Iraq. I mean...really changed. It was late 2007 when I noticed my memory starting to go wonky. At first, I just laughed it off, but then my laughter turned to sadness. I actually thought I had Alzheimer's. I was only sleeping about 4-5 hours a night. I was slowly running out of what I called "collateral." I had a pretty impressive reputation and I could sense people were on to me. When I was "on" I was on...but when I was "off," it was embarrassing. I really had no clue what was going on. Anxiety led to depression. Both of which I hid deep inside. When I stepped outside, I put a smile on and pretended nothing was wrong. My body slowly started to breakdown. I think I spent a year trying to figure out what was going on. Reaching at everything that could possibly be making me feel this way inside. Everything except for PTS.
It wasn't until I attended special yoga training that focused on helping vets with PTS that I realized...that I had PTS. To this day, there is a stigma in the military about seeking treatment for PTS. I can tell you this is not the reason why I didn't think of PTS as a reason. I really thought there was no way I could have it! I mean...I'm a wartime journalist. I've told the stories and seen the aftermath of the warriors who "easily" could have PTS...but not me! Right? WRONG! You see...just like the yogic philosophy that I share when teaching, "Everybody's body...is different...which means...everybody's yoga will be different;" so too is the way everybody reacts to traumatic events. Just because the person next to you thinks what just happened is only a major thrill, doesn't mean the event wasn't traumatic to you. I had the added element of being medically hyper-aware during both deployments. I was loaded on A.D.D. meds to make sure I didn't do anything stupid or forget anything important. What a combo...hyper-vigilant and hyper-aware. To this day I have vivid flashbacks in stereo sound.
I eventually started to take a new cocktail of drugs. Add 5 mg here...lower 10 mg there. I started 'exposure therapy.' THAT SUCKED! It seemed the only thing that did was make my nightmares worse. The drugs numbed me to the point I was unaware of what I was doing, saying, did, or didn't do. I have no idea how I was able to function at work. After about a year and a half on the drugs, I had a heart to heart with my Psychiatrist. I told him I was no longer happy with the list of side-effects all the drugs were doing to me. He suggested since I was already thinking about retirement that maybe I should try Lithium! I told him I was thinking more along going a more natural approach...B-12, Magnesium, and acupuncture. The last words Dr. N. said to me were, "Well Sgt Eder...those are not traditional protocols, so I'm afraid I can't do that." My response, "Well...you traditional protocol have almost cost me my wife, family, and the majority of my internal functions...function a whole lot less now! Thanks...and goodbye!"
To add injury to insult, the doctors also found a tumor on my thalamus, and a growth on my skull. My hearing in both ears at several frequencies was also diminishing. (I now have hearing aids.) I reached deep into my inner-resource and made the decision to stop the meds and go natural. I timed it with my deviated septum operation and my trip to
Save A Warrior.
What an amazing experience this was. I met men who were going through the same shit as I was. At first, it was a little too intense for me because even while I was going through my darkest of days, I was still able to be 'care provider' for others...not paying any attention to my needs. Classic PTS avoidance technique. So...when SaW Cohort 005 kicked off, I wanted to help the guys...instead of get the help and healing I needed. It wasn't really until the high ropes course that I fully opened up and accepted that I needed healing. Ever since my PTS symptoms kicked in I began to have an irrational fear of heights...so the high ropes course was the last place I wanted to be. Right on cue...I pretended everything was fine and set off to climb the rock wall first. Before most of the guys even blinked...I was already on and off the wall. DONE! Well...not so fast! Phillip, one of the providers instantly clued in to my ways and quickly pointed out what had just happened. How the hell did he know?
The next thing I knew I had another one of the providers, Suzi in my ear. She started talking in what at first sounded like something from the
Da Vinci Code, but soon turned into the answers to all of the riddles in my head. I couldn't look at her. I tried to walk away, but surprisingly, at 5 foot nothing, Suzi is pretty strong. I eventually attacked this rock wall again. This time flanked by Stephen H. Metaphorically, that day...I slayed my demons. This was a much different thrill...with much better side-effects: Love, Happiness, Strength, and the desire to better.
