MOLON LABE

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on for the upward call of God in Chris" - Philippians 3:13-14.

"I am by nature warlike.  To attack is among my instincts" - Nietzsche.

"The urge to destruction, like the urge to creation, is a defiance of limits: we transcend ourselves by refusing to accept completely anything that is human, and then indomitably we begin fabricating again" - Richard Ellman.

"It is through meditative practices that you observe your own mind.  You can't be a good person until you observe how bad you are" - Karl Marlantes.

"I love this power.  I love it still.  And it scares the hell out of me" - Karl Marlantes.

I've been struck this week, as I attempt to usurp my old self, that that old self is necessary.  It is part of me.  But it does not define me.  We all have a shadow, that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead..."  Paul the apostle wrote from prison when his death was just days away.  He got it. 

I've also been amazed this week at the realm I've reached that Marlantes claims can only be reached through violence.  I am coming to grips with this part of me that revels in the violence and the destruction that is incredibly empowering!  Our society condemns this part of me and attempts to tell me I'm psychotic or "messed up".  All the while they celebrate it, through movies, TV shows, news and video games.  All these media outlets celebrate the brave and destructive nature that is part of me.  What a dichotomy?!  Then when I come home and the public is face to face with this part of war, they don't know what to do.  They can't simply turn the TV off or walk out of the movie or turn the video game off.  This is part of me and always will be.  I am violent, I am destructive.  And it has been taught to me since I was a child.  Think back to what children do with blocks or sand castles or Legos or anything that is "built".  They, we, want nothing more than to destroy it.  Everyone is thinking it, and when someone acts on it, they are shunned or shamed.

So what now?  Marlantes says that "once we recognize our shadow's existence we must resist the enticing step of going with its flow."  So I surround myself with warriors!  Men who have developed and understand this same destructive empowering feeling, are able to hold me accountable and help me along as I fight against my natural inclination.

As our Nation awakens to the fact that men like me are coming home from war, they must also realize there will always be a part of me that wants to go back and feel that incredibly empowering sensation that is at my fingertips!  Marlantes explains it well when he talks about arming a 40 man platoon.  Imagine, if you can, that these 40+ young, lean 18-20 yr olds are armed with grenades, machine guns and rockets.  Imagine also that they will, without question, do whatever you ask.  Now add the awesome power of a jet aircraft, that shakes the very ground with engines alone and can create craters big enough to block freeways!  Add artillery that fires shells as big around as your waist, then add Naval gunfire who can launch a Volkswagen over 500 miles.  This is the awesome power at my fingertips and because of this I AM IMMORTAL!

Try to get this thought captive.  I need you too.  If you can't, Marlantes says you are not in touch with that part of yourself and it is tragic for all of us.

So I stand, against the idea that I am a murderer, against the idea that I am psychotic.  I face the civilian populace with my brothers in arms and "forgetting what lies behind, I strain forward to what lies ahead."

STEP UP!  While society says your destructive tendencies and warlike mindset are not acceptable, there is a group of men who are standing and tearing down that incredibly demeaning and, by it's very nature, destructive pattern.  Stand with us.  Accept the outstretched hand.  Accept and live with the idea that you are a WARRIOR and that is wonderful to me.

Bobby Farmer relayed a saying to me that hit home really hard the other day: "God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the ones he called!"  Let that sink in.


Even in this healing process, my pride is getting in the way.  I accepted the call to be one of The Few!  I refuse to let "healing" emasculate me. It is something that history has taught us is very necessary for warriors.  My proud spirit wants to deny me that right.  Stand with me and accept what we have earned by sacrificing so much for the love of our Country.

Newtown Police Officer...Saved by Save A Warrior!

My Name is Thomas Bean. I have been an EMT, Volunteer Fire Fighter, Army Reserves and a Police officer. I have seen my share of trauma over the years and somehow got by. The breaking point for me was as a Newtown CT Police Officer. I had been a Police Officer since 2000. In December of 2012, I was on vacation having breakfast with some fellow officers when the Sandy Hook School Shooting happened. We responded and what I saw that day would scared me for life. The following days, weeks and months I could not sleep, eat, or go anywhere...where there was crowd. I was going to therapy and was medicated but that was not enough. I did not want to die but the thought of dying was there and it seemed inviting and easier than dealing with the pain and sorrow. I was afraid to tell people this because I did not want to get locked in a rubber room. Then Jake came along with the gift of the Save A Warrior Project. The project was amazing. It helped me want to live and gave me hope. One thing I learned after the project had ended is that it (the project) is not over because I am now part of a community that shares my pain and that makes it easier for me to carry on. This community is now my family and I will do what I can to help them and I will continue to lean on them, to help me. Together, we all can carry on and live, love, and regain faith in a world that can be harsh.

Tom Bean Cohort #003

Save a Warrior #saved Tom...what are you doing to Save a Warrior?  Donate TODAY!

Save A Warrior uses Equine therapy as part of their multi-approach methodology to help treat Warriors with PTS.

It's ok to have a bad day.

Adrenaline is quite possibly the most addictive drug on the planet.  We cannot duplicate it.  We can make a synthesis that is close, but we can't create what God has made.  I learned this lesson.

For years and many deployments, I've lived with a high level of adrenaline.  Even dating back to high school sports.  I lived for it and looked forward to the next rush.

It's been almost a year since my last rush and I crashed pretty hard the other day.  "Bad day".  I could not shake the feeling of fear and anxiety all day long.  I yelled at the kids over nothing, argued with my wife over insignificant things, I may have even kicked the dog.  But the anger would not go away. 

As I've written about in previous blogs, several of my fellow warriors reached out, not knowing it was a bad day, but just wanting to catch up and check on me.  That got me thinking and trying to figure out what the trigger was.  I narrowed it down to a lack of adrenaline.  Suzi Landolphi helped me realize that I'm going through withdrawals, quite literally.  My heightened state of awareness that has been my functioning state for so long, is in decline and missing that drug.

At the supper table the next day, I asked for forgiveness from my whole family.  The dog had long forgotten about the alleged kicking, but my children were scarred.  It was my turn to show them how to respond and what a Warrior does when he is wrong.  That is a tough pill for me to swallow still.  It's my old self telling me I'm not a good person, it's my old self trying to come back, it's simple pride in not wanting to admit wrong, it's arrogance, it's callousness...IT'S NOT WHO I WANT TO BE ANYMORE!

So, I apologized and explained in child like terms (both because they are children and because I'm a new born person), that Daddy had a bad day.  My 7 and a half year old looks up at me and says, "that's OK Daddy. Everyone has a bad day sometimes."  My heart nearly melted.  To hear such wisdom and unconditional love and forgiveness come from him just overwhelmed me.

I'm growing...I'm changing...and again, as I've said in other posts, This is a fight for control of my mind.  Every time I stand up to that old self (win or lose), it makes standing up the next time much easier.  Soon, I will stand up without even thinking about it and before too long, that old self will be a distant memory.

Steve H (005)

My Story - How Save A Warrior...Saved My Life!

I have a long story with many twists and turns.  A few years ago I was a police lieutenant with years as a specialized canine handler at a large department and a Master Sergeant in the Army National Guard.  On the surface everyone thought I had it together.  I had the perfect career, was doing great in the Army, and had what appeared to be the perfect marriage.  What they didn't know, was I was living a double life.  I put on a game face at work or in the Army, but inside I was dying.  Ever since I came home from Iraq I was struggling.  I kept thinking it would get better, but I was wrong. 

In the Army National Guard and at the police department, I would hide my panic attacks, my intrusive thoughts of Iraq, and all the symptoms of PTSD.  At home, I’d deny I had problems; however my marriage was falling apart.  The more I tried to cover things up the worse things got. I gave up.  I was sitting in my patrol car one night holding a gun in my mouth pulling the trigger.  I can’t say why I stopped, but I did.  Instead, I got out of the police car, took off my gun belt and badge.  I threw them on the front seat of the car, slammed the door and literally walked away.  I was going to walk to the end of the earth and never come back. 

A couple days later I woke up in the psych ward of the Veteran’s Hospital.  They pumped me up with drugs and after a few days they let my family take me away.  For the next year or so I was in and out of the V.A. and more drugs always seemed to be the only help I would get, but it was really no help. 

Almost homeless (hanging on to marriage by a thread), barely making it at a new job, and every day regretting NOT pulling the trigger I learned about SAVE A WARRIOR.  I talked to Jake who invited me to a SAVE A WARRIOR Cohort.  He told me it was a week long and asked that I just attend with an open mind. 

I attended and I can say that was the best week of my life!  Why?  It gave me my life back.  I went from hopelessness to hope, from feeling worthless to having meaning, from isolation to having a brotherhood of friends.  Since that week at SAVE A WARRIOR, I stopped hiding my double life.  I have embraced my struggles.  I now am talking with other veterans who are thanking me for being open so they too can come forward and ask for help.   Now, I have been given an opportunity to work with service dogs again.  This time to help veteran’s with PTSD service dogs. 

Since coming home from that week, my wife and I are now talking.  I've learned to be open with her and we are learning to heal together.

SAVE A WARRIOR didn't just give me a week of how to use coping skills, SAVE A WARRIOR gave me my life back!!!!   A good life it is. Now, I clearly know why I didn't pull that trigger.  I now have a chance to PAY IT FORWARD as was all that SAVE A WARRIOR asked for. Maybe through the service dogs or through just telling veteran’s they are not alone and it is okay to ask for help….I've been blessed with the chance at a new start and a purpose. 

SAVE A WARRIOR, you saved my life! 

Richard Mosley (Cohort 005) 

What would you do to "Save" A Warrior?  For a truly remarkable overview of our work, please see the John Hill / Liam Clark / DLF-produced video