MOLON LABE

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on for the upward call of God in Chris" - Philippians 3:13-14.

"I am by nature warlike.  To attack is among my instincts" - Nietzsche.

"The urge to destruction, like the urge to creation, is a defiance of limits: we transcend ourselves by refusing to accept completely anything that is human, and then indomitably we begin fabricating again" - Richard Ellman.

"It is through meditative practices that you observe your own mind.  You can't be a good person until you observe how bad you are" - Karl Marlantes.

"I love this power.  I love it still.  And it scares the hell out of me" - Karl Marlantes.

I've been struck this week, as I attempt to usurp my old self, that that old self is necessary.  It is part of me.  But it does not define me.  We all have a shadow, that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead..."  Paul the apostle wrote from prison when his death was just days away.  He got it. 

I've also been amazed this week at the realm I've reached that Marlantes claims can only be reached through violence.  I am coming to grips with this part of me that revels in the violence and the destruction that is incredibly empowering!  Our society condemns this part of me and attempts to tell me I'm psychotic or "messed up".  All the while they celebrate it, through movies, TV shows, news and video games.  All these media outlets celebrate the brave and destructive nature that is part of me.  What a dichotomy?!  Then when I come home and the public is face to face with this part of war, they don't know what to do.  They can't simply turn the TV off or walk out of the movie or turn the video game off.  This is part of me and always will be.  I am violent, I am destructive.  And it has been taught to me since I was a child.  Think back to what children do with blocks or sand castles or Legos or anything that is "built".  They, we, want nothing more than to destroy it.  Everyone is thinking it, and when someone acts on it, they are shunned or shamed.

So what now?  Marlantes says that "once we recognize our shadow's existence we must resist the enticing step of going with its flow."  So I surround myself with warriors!  Men who have developed and understand this same destructive empowering feeling, are able to hold me accountable and help me along as I fight against my natural inclination.

As our Nation awakens to the fact that men like me are coming home from war, they must also realize there will always be a part of me that wants to go back and feel that incredibly empowering sensation that is at my fingertips!  Marlantes explains it well when he talks about arming a 40 man platoon.  Imagine, if you can, that these 40+ young, lean 18-20 yr olds are armed with grenades, machine guns and rockets.  Imagine also that they will, without question, do whatever you ask.  Now add the awesome power of a jet aircraft, that shakes the very ground with engines alone and can create craters big enough to block freeways!  Add artillery that fires shells as big around as your waist, then add Naval gunfire who can launch a Volkswagen over 500 miles.  This is the awesome power at my fingertips and because of this I AM IMMORTAL!

Try to get this thought captive.  I need you too.  If you can't, Marlantes says you are not in touch with that part of yourself and it is tragic for all of us.

So I stand, against the idea that I am a murderer, against the idea that I am psychotic.  I face the civilian populace with my brothers in arms and "forgetting what lies behind, I strain forward to what lies ahead."

STEP UP!  While society says your destructive tendencies and warlike mindset are not acceptable, there is a group of men who are standing and tearing down that incredibly demeaning and, by it's very nature, destructive pattern.  Stand with us.  Accept the outstretched hand.  Accept and live with the idea that you are a WARRIOR and that is wonderful to me.

Bobby Farmer relayed a saying to me that hit home really hard the other day: "God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the ones he called!"  Let that sink in.


Even in this healing process, my pride is getting in the way.  I accepted the call to be one of The Few!  I refuse to let "healing" emasculate me. It is something that history has taught us is very necessary for warriors.  My proud spirit wants to deny me that right.  Stand with me and accept what we have earned by sacrificing so much for the love of our Country.