I have a long story with many twists and turns. A few years ago I was a police lieutenant with years as a specialized canine handler at a large department and a Master Sergeant in the Army National Guard. On the surface everyone thought I had it together. I had the perfect career, was doing great in the Army, and had what appeared to be the perfect marriage. What they didn't know, was I was living a double life. I put on a game face at work or in the Army, but inside I was dying. Ever since I came home from Iraq I was struggling. I kept thinking it would get better, but I was wrong.
In the Army National Guard and at the police department, I would hide my panic attacks, my intrusive thoughts of Iraq, and all the symptoms of PTSD. At home, I’d deny I had problems; however my marriage was falling apart. The more I tried to cover things up the worse things got. I gave up. I was sitting in my patrol car one night holding a gun in my mouth pulling the trigger. I can’t say why I stopped, but I did. Instead, I got out of the police car, took off my gun belt and badge. I threw them on the front seat of the car, slammed the door and literally walked away. I was going to walk to the end of the earth and never come back.
A couple days later I woke up in the psych ward of the Veteran’s Hospital. They pumped me up with drugs and after a few days they let my family take me away. For the next year or so I was in and out of the V.A. and more drugs always seemed to be the only help I would get, but it was really no help.
Almost homeless (hanging on to marriage by a thread), barely making it at a new job, and every day regretting NOT pulling the trigger I learned about SAVE A WARRIOR. I talked to Jake who invited me to a SAVE A WARRIOR Cohort. He told me it was a week long and asked that I just attend with an open mind.
I attended and I can say that was the best week of my life! Why? It gave me my life back. I went from hopelessness to hope, from feeling worthless to having meaning, from isolation to having a brotherhood of friends. Since that week at SAVE A WARRIOR, I stopped hiding my double life. I have embraced my struggles. I now am talking with other veterans who are thanking me for being open so they too can come forward and ask for help. Now, I have been given an opportunity to work with service dogs again. This time to help veteran’s with PTSD service dogs.
Since coming home from that week, my wife and I are now talking. I've learned to be open with her and we are learning to heal together.
SAVE A WARRIOR didn't just give me a week of how to use coping skills, SAVE A WARRIOR gave me my life back!!!! A good life it is. Now, I clearly know why I didn't pull that trigger. I now have a chance to PAY IT FORWARD as was all that SAVE A WARRIOR asked for. Maybe through the service dogs or through just telling veteran’s they are not alone and it is okay to ask for help….I've been blessed with the chance at a new start and a purpose.
SAVE A WARRIOR, you saved my life!
Richard Mosley (Cohort 005)
Richard, I'm blown away brother. Thank you for sharing such a personal and moving story. I'm proud of you and the example that you set every day as you continue to pay it forward. Thank you for continuing to check on me. I'm honored to be part of such an incredible healing story. Continue the work brother.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, indeed. Glad you're still with us and found meaning to continue on. Paying it forward is the way to go for any saved survivor of any PTSD. I am the happy handler of a guide dog for the blind with added skills, trained by a Vietnam vet who still pays it forward daily. (As do I.) Be well, continue to grow, and keep up the work with those badly needed dogs!!!!
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