It's ok to have a bad day.

Adrenaline is quite possibly the most addictive drug on the planet.  We cannot duplicate it.  We can make a synthesis that is close, but we can't create what God has made.  I learned this lesson.

For years and many deployments, I've lived with a high level of adrenaline.  Even dating back to high school sports.  I lived for it and looked forward to the next rush.

It's been almost a year since my last rush and I crashed pretty hard the other day.  "Bad day".  I could not shake the feeling of fear and anxiety all day long.  I yelled at the kids over nothing, argued with my wife over insignificant things, I may have even kicked the dog.  But the anger would not go away. 

As I've written about in previous blogs, several of my fellow warriors reached out, not knowing it was a bad day, but just wanting to catch up and check on me.  That got me thinking and trying to figure out what the trigger was.  I narrowed it down to a lack of adrenaline.  Suzi Landolphi helped me realize that I'm going through withdrawals, quite literally.  My heightened state of awareness that has been my functioning state for so long, is in decline and missing that drug.

At the supper table the next day, I asked for forgiveness from my whole family.  The dog had long forgotten about the alleged kicking, but my children were scarred.  It was my turn to show them how to respond and what a Warrior does when he is wrong.  That is a tough pill for me to swallow still.  It's my old self telling me I'm not a good person, it's my old self trying to come back, it's simple pride in not wanting to admit wrong, it's arrogance, it's callousness...IT'S NOT WHO I WANT TO BE ANYMORE!

So, I apologized and explained in child like terms (both because they are children and because I'm a new born person), that Daddy had a bad day.  My 7 and a half year old looks up at me and says, "that's OK Daddy. Everyone has a bad day sometimes."  My heart nearly melted.  To hear such wisdom and unconditional love and forgiveness come from him just overwhelmed me.

I'm growing...I'm changing...and again, as I've said in other posts, This is a fight for control of my mind.  Every time I stand up to that old self (win or lose), it makes standing up the next time much easier.  Soon, I will stand up without even thinking about it and before too long, that old self will be a distant memory.

Steve H (005)